1.12.11

THE PENIS MONOLOGUE


WARNING: The following words are not suitable for a very young age. Parental guidance is HIGHLY recommended.

I was watching a local sitcom on television about two weeks ago (or is it three?) that tackled about male circumcision. I think it was Pepito Manaloto and it was so damn good! It brought back a lot of memories. Circumcision? Flashback begins…

2003

It was a lazy April afternoon. I was in my room when my mom told me that I’ll be having my circumcision the next day. Surprised, shocked, dumbfounded, I went and my heart made a plunge in cold waters when she told me the bad news. What the, I thought. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate the idea of being circumcised. Pero gano’n na lang yun, one day notice. Agad agad? But as the good boy that I was, I kept myself from rebutting.

THE NEXT DAY I woke up early, about 8 in the morning. Of course, I need to do some preparations too. (TIP: At least 30 minutes before the “operation”, take a shower and scrub your privates in respect to the nurse. You don’t want to smell onion, don’t you?) After lunch, a woman in her early 50s I guess, walked in our house. It must be her, I thought. She’s very different from what I had in my dirty, little mind but who cares?

As soon as the nurse led me to the sofa, my two week-ordeals already began. I was so nervous. Everything felt like my first trip to the dentist, only this time, I was naked, oh yes, naked from the waist down. Mind you, I had no time to prepare myself mentally. And much to my dismay, the “operation” was done in the sofa… in the living room. Imagine that? Add to that the fact that a total stranger was touching my privates. Whatever remaining naughty ideas I had in mind instantly vanished as soon as I saw the instruments to be use – blade, scissor, needles and MORE blades. I almost fainted, well, that’s a bit of exaggeration. But I was literally shaaaaakinnnng. I am not sure but I think I called out for my mom. And that was so gay. I even asked myself for practically innumerable times just to keep my sanity intact: Is this for real or am I being punk’d? My shrieks were so loud I could hear my sisters snickering. Damn!

After the “operation”, I was drained and my energy level was on its lowest. And when I looked down, I saw at least 300 stitches. No, I’m just kidding. But honestly, I didn’t even bother myself to look at it. I don’t want to see how bad it became. The next two weeks was probably the worst two weeks of my entire life. I need to endure the mind-boggling pain from the stitches. I need to wash it at least three times a day to keep it bacteria-free. Then, dress it after with a piece of cloth with a hole in the middle. (For the girls: Just imagine it, okay.) And I need to wear loose shorts all day long. It was hell with a capital H. Thank God I surpassed it unscathed and with sanity intact.

So why do teenage boys (and not-so teenage boys) subject themselves to this kind of physical and mental torture? First, vanity. For some guys, being “circumcised” makes them look more macho. And I think girls prefer “circumcised” men. I conducted a survey just now and asked three of my girl friends in Facebook (note: my girlfriend not included) about these “likability factor” and all the three of them went with “circumcised” men. Well, not a surprise. No pun intended.

Then second, hygiene. Enough said.

Well anyway, I still ruminate that “uncircumcised” men should not be declare as PLASTICS (I won’t tell why, figure it out yourself). That’s bigotry. It’s their choice.

...


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21 comments:

Hoobert the Awesome said...

I was 12 when I got my toot circumcised.


#justsaying

Miss `Chievous said...

Haha, So my question was answered when the comment box popped up. Was laughing while reading your post.

Hoobert the Awesome said...

Yeah. I just graduated from elementary. Ayun, kaya mayabang ako nung high school kasi "circumcised" ako. HAHAHA, yabang ne?

Thank you. I really wanted this to be a funny post. Haha.

Again, thank you!

Chyng said...

scary! baka mahimatay ako if im the one who should undergo this. hehe

matapang na tao! =)

SunnyToast said...

I got alot to say but afraid i'm might use the wrong words..wag nalang....hahaha...but seriously dude....ang dami kung tawa!

nice one!

kg said...

natawa ako dun sa one-day notice! si mommy naman oh!

wag ka na magreklamo jubert john! at least di kayo nanganganak! mas mahirap kaya yun! ahehe! [ginawang battle of the sexes bigla ano?]

diba meron ng anesthesia ngayon? :)

Batang Lakwatsero said...

lol. bakit mo pinaalala.. ang dark age ng buhay ko. nyahah. oh well. ako nga nagsimba lang kami sa school ko, tpos may nakita sila dadi na "Libreng Tule 2002", ayun bumalik kami kina-hapunan. haha. impromptu masyado.

Hoobert the Awesome said...

Yowz Ate Chyng!

Well, tapang-tapangan lang. Hahaha. Mas ayaw ko naman kasing tawaging "PLASTIC". Haha.

Hoobert the Awesome said...

Thanks naman Sunny. That's my goal actually, to make people laugh their asses out. HAHA.

Oh bakit naman? Open dito lahat. Haha. Well, i-pm mo na lang sakin. Lols.

Thanks again.

Hoobert the Awesome said...

Ate Grace welcome back! Long time no see. Namiss kita. Namiss mo ko? Hehe.

Aww, haha. Oh sige, kayo na! Pero in fairness, kami one time big time lang ang ordeal namain. Eh sa mga girls patingi-tingi. Parang killing me softly lang. HAHAHA.

Yeah meron na. Pero masakit pa rin. Itusok ba naman sa toot mo. Hahaha.

Hoobert the Awesome said...

Yan ang astig Lakwatsero. Biglaan talaga eh no? Hahaha. Baka may lakad si daddy mo kaya nagmamadali. Hahaha.

Sendo said...

Hindi ko na maalala ung time na nagpatuli ako... Nagpatuli ba talaga ako? Bwhaha. Ang naaalala ko lang eh nakakakiliti ung pagpapatuli ko eh . Di ko na masyadong maalala, hindi masyadong memorable haha. Ayos ka ah naaalala mo pa un , hihi :) ang alam ko eh for hygienic purposes ung pagpapatuli + tradition. :)

Mei said...

Nabigla ako sa title. Nagdalawang isip ako basahin. hahahaha.

Since babae ako, curious ako kung pano ginagawa yan haha. Nung tinuli mga kapatid ko, si mama kasama. at never ko talaga tiningnan yung naging outcome. hahaha.

ang weird lang, bakit sa bahay ka tinuli? parang kumadrona lang ang datingan hahaha

Hoobert the Awesome said...

Hey Sendo! Well, ang di ko maalala ay kung nakiliti ako. Mukhang hindi yata kasi parang di ako tinigasan. Hahaha. Thunders kasi nagtuli sakin.

Paalala sa mga nakabasa nito: HINDI AKO PERVERT. Slight lang. Hahaha. Joke.

Anyway. Ang primary reason ko kung bakit ako nagpatuli ay para di ako tuksuhin. Ayun.

Salamat Sendo.

Hoobert the Awesome said...

Hi Mei. Good mornight. I guess your new here, right? Thanks for the visit

Hahaha. Yeah yun ang problem ko. Baka isipin ng mga readers ko ay pervert ako. Haha. Hinde. Wholesome yata 'to.

Well, makakakita ka din niyan kapag may anak ka na. Good luck sa paglilinis ng sugat after. Lol.

Opo. Mayaman kasi kami kaya home service. Hehe, echos. The truth is, hindi ko alam. Haha. Tanungin ko si Mama.

kg said...

oo, namiss kita. :)

sana pag anfito ka sa manila kita naman tayo. or pag pumunta ako bicol. :)

Hiyono said...

Well that was highly-entertaining, Hoobert. Thanks for sharing something that I might tell my would-be-son in the future... all for preparation~ Haha!

Hoobert the Awesome said...

Awww, that's so sweet of you Ate Grace. Anyway, I've stayed in Manila for about 2 months after my board exam. But now I'm back in Bicol. Sayang.

I miss you too!

Hoobert the Awesome said...

Hey Hiyono! No problem. I'm very honored to be of help. Well, it wasn't that actually hard in the part of my mom. It's chicken. Believe me.

Thanks again.

Malditang "Kura"cha said...

sorry enchong ha pero hagalpak talaga ako kakatawa habang binabasa ang kalbaryong pinagdadaanan mo. hihihih!

pero kung meron mang mas matapang pa kay bonifacio pagdating sa circumcision, yun yung bunso namin. hahah!

share ko lang kasi napabilib ako talaga. We scheduled him one summer to undergo on this so called "rite of passage" only to find out that the doctor is out that day to attend to the other patient in one hospital in Manila. Siguro set na set na ang mind niya para maging ganap na binata sa araw na yun kaya hindi siya pumayag. Ginalugad ang Maynila at hinanap ang dyaskeng doctor. Pati yung doctor napamangha sa tapang niya. hahahahah!

Hoobert the Awesome said...

Hey Ate Kura-ching. Back read more lang eh no? Hahaha. <3

Wow nakakatuwa naman yung bunso niyo. Ginawa niya talaga yun? Hahaha, astig. Ako, kiber. Kahit na hindi ako matuli at mare-sched ako sa isang taon, pabor sakin. Haha.