10 Ways To Turn Me Off

10. Turn off ako sa babaeng jejemon. Ikaw ba naman maka-receive ng gan’tong text “lAbqCkyOuHh” galing sa girlfriend mo kung di ka mawindang. 

09. Turn off  ako sa babaeng malakas pa sakin… ang body odor. Isa ito sa mga pet peeves ko actually. Kahit na siguro si Giselle Bundchen look-alike ang iharap niyo sakin kung jumajabar naman siya, thank you na lang. Hygiene is a necessity, man. It really is. 

08. Turn off ako sa babaeng dry ang sense of humor or worse, wala nito. Sobrang boring nun. At saka, baka di pa niya masakyan mga jokes ko. Awkward yun kung ganun. 

07. Turn off ko sa babaeng materialistic. Dahil wala akong pera. Boom! 

06. Turn off ako sa babaeng bitchy sa barkada ko. It doesn’t matter how we’ll she’s treating me, if she’s treating my friends on a bitchy and rude way, it’s only a matter of time before it is pointed at me. And I don’t like that. 

05. Turn off  ako sa babaeng nagyoyosi, umiinom and worst, nagda-drugs. Bakit ikaw dude gusto mo? Kung oo, lakas ng tama mo. Patingin ka na sa psychiatrist. 

04. Tun off ako sa babaeng clingy, overpossessive and too selosa. I find it cute when girls are being a bit selosa `cos it just shows na mahal niya ako and takot siyang mawala ako. But there there`s a fine line between being in love and being too much in love. Yung OA na ang pagseselos. Na kulang na lang pati Mom ko pagselosan. Ano `to, obsession? Haha.

03. Turn off ako sa babaeng makati pa sa higad or –sorry for the word- malibog. Because it’s not what trying to cultivate a lasting relationship is all about. There’s a fine line between lust and love. Ang mga relationship na lust ang foundation is usually doomed from the start. Sex is for married couples. Otherwise, it’s just fucking around.

 02.  Turn off ako sa babaeng nabibilang lang ang brain cells. Yung tipong pagpapaganda lang ang alam. Yung “clichés” ~ maganda nga pero medyo weak. Hindi lahat ng lalaki chooses beauty over brains. In fact, a lot of guys like to have an intelligent conversation rather than settle with the stereotypical limbo. And I’m one of them. Naks! 

01. And lastly, turn off ako sa babaeng mahilig mamangka sa dalawang ilog or more. In more simple term, CHEATER! Because duh, sino ba namang tao in his sane mind ang gustong niloloko siya? Ayaw na ayaw ko pa namang ginagawang tanga (so there comes the warning). Kung may gusto siyang iba, fine with a capital F. Hindi ako maghahabol. Never. Anyway, ano bang nakukuha ng isang tao sa pagtsi-cheat? Waley. I think the act is just repulsive and I’m wondering how cheaters sleep at night.

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When we were kids, we have this picture of our ideal partners in our minds. Oh c`mon, don`t be shy. I know you have one. When I was a little bit younger, my ideal girl was a triple M ~ MATANDANG MAYAMAN NA MADALING MAMATAY. Hahaha. I`m just kidding. My ideal girl was -

1. Dapat maganda.

2. Dapat matalino.

3. Dapat mayaman.

In more simple term, dapat PERFECT which we all know don`t exist. At all. But somewhere along the road, nagbago ang requirements ko. Okay lang kahit di na maganda. Okay lang kahit di matalino. Okay lang kahit di mayaman. Now, I`m just looking for a girl who can love me for what I am. Who can accept my mistakes and my imperfections. And a girl who can look me in the eyes while saying, "Yes, I wanna grow old with you". That`s all, thank you. Bow. *sabay kaway sa audience* Haha. Ang mushy! Pang-pageant lang.

On a more serious mode.

I know that somewhere out there, out of the 8 billion people roaming this planet, there is this girl who is meant to be with me forever. She may not know it yet. I may not know it yet. But destiny will bring us together.

Living Inside A Pressure Cooker

I don’t know how to entitle this piece so it ended up as that. ‘Less you find “My Monster Mom” a more fitting title. Well, I don’t.

I’ve been down the past four months because I felt like I had no specific directions in my life. I felt that I’m one of those 20 years old whose clocks were ticking. As much as my family perceived that I know what I want to do in life, the only clear thing to me now is that I’m clueless.

It also doesn’t help that I’m currently staying with Mom. As odd as it may sound but sometimes I feel that our house is this huge pressure cooker with mom being the regulator. And me? The chicken that is being roasted. Don’t get me wrong. I love my mom so much and everybody, even our dogs, can attest to that. She’s wonderful. She loves us so much and do her best. It’s just that my mom is a total nagger (and this is where I disintegrate and crumble for calling my mom a nagger). Every time she nags, it puts pressure on me to do something. I’m like “I need to do this ‘cos Mom wants me to do this”, sensing that if I resist, I will hurt her feelings. The problem is it doesn’t give me much fulfillment. Yeah I know, as her son I have the obligation to please her but I also have the right and responsibility to make decisions on my own.

She always find something negative to comment on whether it be from couple of years ago and worse, something that didn’t even occurred. There’s so much to say about me I know – my eternal laziness, my messy room, my things all over the living room. But when she starts to talk and elaborate about it, oh forget it. Every time I do something wrong, she’ll scold and nag me for it so badly like I never did good in my entire life. And she’s going to recall that over and over and over again. What’s pissing me off is that she does not listen to my protest. If I’d speak out, there will be a big blow-out for sure. So now when she nags at me, I just put my mental mute button on (Shh. That’s a secret.). Was I being too arrogant and disrespectful for not listening to what Mom has to say? I am actually open to hearing opposing sides as long as that side has valid reasons which my Mom quite evidently doesn’t have.

On blogging. My Mom knows I have a blog. Actually, the whole family knows. She even commented when I published (the highly-controversial) “Dear Mr. President” which pushed me to do a little editing so all this time I thought she’s cool with this whole blogging thing. But I was wrong. The last time we had an argument, she blurted out, “Ano ba ang nakukuha mo sa pagba-blog? Ang layo naman niyan sa kinuha mong degree. Kalandian lang yan”. She doesn’t know how much pain that few words caused me. It hurts so much. It’s like she can’t fully understand that blogging makes me happy. If my younger sister prays for Blahniks at night, I pray for more blog views and comments. Seriously and please refrain yourself from laughing.

No matter what, I wouldn’t trade my mom for anybody else. I love her so much for the life and love she gave me. One thing I learned from this: Be MORE careful of my words. I realized that I need to weigh down my words and consider their impacts on others.

…

The other week, she was nagging about my sister’s excessive use of her cellphone. She was nagging and nagging and nagging. I increased the volume of the television to level with her voice. When all of a sudden, she turned to me and said: “Ikaw naman, ano ang balak mong gawin sa buhay mo”?

I’ve contemplated on it for days. Tomorrow I’ll tell her my decision.

Papasok na lang po ako sa showbiz. J

Shameless plug-in again. ^

Fine. I'm Wrong, You're Right. Now What?

It’s been almost seven months since Chris became my girlfriend. So far, so good. And I’m crossing my awesome fingers that it stays that way. But not known to many, our first two weeks has been pretty rough. Yes, I’m seriously serious. We argued a lot. My girlfriend and I agreed on absolutely nothing. At all. I’m thinking it’s either we didn’t know each other too well and we’re just warming up OR we are just both, let’s just say, “war-freak brats”.

Luckily for us, we are both awesome creatures. No major fight yet. We usually argue over small issues: the time it took her to reply to my texts, which drives me nuts. (This may sound immature but I’m not the most patient boyfriend of all. I can get impatient and stubborn and moody sometimes and you’re not gonna like me. Shikes!) Tiffs over where to eat donuts or what movie to watch are settled with rock-paper-scissors shoot out, kidding. It's her call. Full-blown arguments while very, very rare typically erupt about her “I’m nearly there” bullshit (and you know why). But these are always resolved very quickly.

Believe it or not, while disputes/arguments/debates with your “sweetie pie” is no fun, it should be noted that stuffs like these keeps a relationship on its toes. Don’t worry, it is not unusual. It just shows that you’ve invested enough to want to hash something instead of just writing each other off. And it doesn’t have to cause hustle and bustle in the relationship. When you think of a fight as a chance to talk and patch things up, not World War III, it takes fear out of it. Fear widens the knowing-doing gap. Don't use it pretty fuckin' please.

Moving on. You people are lucky, very lucky. I’ll be your love guru today, teaching you how to love and how to be love. Echos! Hahaha. Naaa, I’ll be sharing advices on how to handle arguments with your “sweetie pie” and not turn it into an all-nuclear war. No, no, don’t mistake me for Papa Jack. (I and my mates got addicted listening to Papa Jack last summer, as if that information would be necessary for the salvation of the world). Most of the stuffs here are for girls otherwise indicated. These I learned after years of being around tons and tons of girl friends (their boyfriends are of great help, too).

Don’t detail your tampo through text (unless you have an SMS love affair, you know). Girls, no offense meant, frequently do this and it's pretty annoying. This is a big no, no. I know it needs a lot of guts to meet head-on with your “sweetie pie” but you must remember that he might be clueless on why you are pissed. And to guys, if you have done something wrong to your girl, have the balls to say sorry in person.

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Never bring up old issues – ever. What’s done is done. Restrict your discussion to one, recent incident and don't go back to 2009. That way, you don’t misunderstand and wind up bickering again about the same thing all over again. Snowballing your complaints confuses both of you about what the real issue is.

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When you had a fight with your “sweetie pie”, do you vent online? Wrong. Not only you’re making a fool out of yourself but you’re also making yourself a prey of your good-for-nothing/tsismosa friends. So my teensy-bitsy advice: count to ten before changing your FB status. Couple/s who post TMZ-worthy feud on Facebook pisses a lot of people, me included. Seriously.

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Girlfriend: You know what? I’m just so freaking tired of you. This will not work. We’re over.

Boyfriend: Thank God, I am only waiting for you to say that. I deserve someone better.

Girlfriend: Yeah right, idiot!

Boyfriend: And you’re such a spoiled, fugly brat.

Girlfriend: Bayot!

Boyfriend: Oh c’mon that’s a low blow.

Girlfriend: Bayot. Bayot. Bayot. BAAA-

Boyfriend: Ok fine. I’m sorry. I take back everything I said. Just stop calling me that. Please babe?

Sometimes name-calling works. But most of the time (about 99%), it doesn’t. Sarcasm and name-calling are cheap shots. Just calm your butt down, if you cannot contain it any longer, two words: walk out. Otherwise, you may get a knee-jerk reaction that leaves you more upset. If you criticize rather than complain then your relationship is headed towards disaster with capital D.

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Give each other a breathing space. Not all arguments can be fixed in one sitting. You don’t need to build Rome in a day. You can just talk it out the next morning or after the two of you have calmed down. Settle a disagreement when you’re both in the right frame of mind. Otherwise, nothing will get solved. And worse, you might end up killing each other, joke! – you might end up as ex-lovers. You don’t want that, don’t you?

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Know when to stop. Once you heard the outcome you were after, maybe an apology or an explanation perhaps, stop. Any further squabbling is pleasure-seeking (out of lack of a better term). We all know that so don’t argue. If he/she said he/she was sorry, take it at face value. Don’t make him/her beg for your forgiveness (well, it depends in the severity of the case).

There is no such thing as toil-free relationship. Shits happen to test the limits of your love for each other. So if you two think that what you have is something special and worth fighting for, work it out. If one of you stops to work then you will be on a big trouble, I’m telling you: when the work stops, the split starts. Men and women have equal footing in a relationship. The “pa-martir” and “Andres de Saya” clones are so 20th century.

I'm Papa Awesome. Now, signing off.